Let You Go
by Glamagirl
Summary: It's time for Chris to go away but Stephanie can't let him go.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own anyone in this story. Any characters you recognize here belong just to themselves.

**Warning**! You might not like the end of this…

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Let You Go

Stephanie was already awake when the distinctive sound of someone knocking at her door disrupted the sepulchral silence that reigned in her obscure bedroom. She didn't bother to get up and see who it was… it didn't matter, she knew who it wasn't and if it wasn't him she just didn't care.

She only wanted to be left alone.

So she remained in bed, frozen, immobile… numb; her eyes closed in hope that an eternal sleep would take over her so she could forever dream about him.

Because that was the only thing that she could do… dream; dream and remember… remember and hope.

Sometimes, when she lay in bed between being awake but rapidly drifting to sleep, she could feel him, she could feel the phantom of his fingers on her face, caressing her to sleep as he mumbled sweet nothings in her ear.

Those where the moments she cherished the most and the ones her heart desperately craved for; because when the thin line of reality blended with the memory of him, it felt as if he was actually there with her.

In those moments of questionable lucidity she could even drink in the scent of him lingering around her, she could feel his lips on her, his hands on her, and it was only in those moments, when sleep was taking her in, when she could feel his fingers burying into her hair, soothing her sorrow away.

She lived only for those moments now, because every time she felt his presence in that room with her, she found her peace… she found solace in the memory of him, in the phantom of his touch and even in the way his face would appear to her behind closed eyes; his smile, broad and contagious as his clear blue eyes pierced her with their intensity…

She lived only for those moments because it all felt so real; it felt as if he had never left her all alone and broken, not even the shell of the woman she had been when she had his love.

Now the only thing she had to hold on were those brief moments where she couldn't fully have him, those moments where she could feel him lingering around even though she knew he was not there.

She swallowed down a sob, crushing into her chest the shirt that had been accompanying her through the last few days, it was his shirt.

She heard the door being opened, and soon after it tentative steps echoed all through the room, but still Stephanie remained in her bed, unmoving.

Why wouldn't they leave her alone? Couldn't they understand? Ah… but it was her fault for giving them all an _emergency_ key to her place.

She swallowed hard, feeling this new presence sitting in the bed next to her, the mattress sinking under the unwanted weight.

"Steph…"

Stephanie didn't respond, not even when she felt hands on her, brushing a few strands of hair out of her face and then just subtly caressing her cheek.

"Honey… what's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?"

The words were kind and full of worry, but it was not the voice she wanted to hear… the voice she wanted to hear had the power of a thousand men, the touch she wanted to feel the only one that could sooth her.

But that was never going to be, his voice had been silenced, his touch stilled, all of him was… a nevermore. She felt tears forming behind her closed eyelids, she had to bite her lips as an effort not to start crying again.

"Talk to me, Steph. We are all worried about you"

The younger McMahon shook her head; she didn't want to talk about it because they would never understand. Her pain was a burden she had to carry on her own.

"_My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul"_

"Steph… is this because of Chris?"

Stephanie opened her clouded eyes at the mention of his name. It felt wrong coming from the woman's lips, a desecration of something divine… it sent a pang of pain straight into her broken heart.

"Chris?" She sat up and looked at the black haired woman that was sitting at her bed. Chris… she had call for him so many times, most of the times in her sleep. He never came, he never would.

"You have been like this ever since…"

"You don't know anything Marissa" Stephanie said while tears slipped down her face. "No one knows…"

"Then tell me" The older woman pleaded, her hands getting a hold of Stephanie's.

Stephanie looked away, up to the ceiling, where she was sure Marissa wouldn't be able to tear the truth out of her eyes; but when tried to take a deep breath to calm herself she chocked on it and started to sob, her unspoken grief getting the best of her.

Her sister in law hugged her, the only thing that Stephanie could do was cry in her arms, letting the pain of the past three days flow out of her in torrents.

"I loved him" Stephanie admitted between sobs. "I loved him so much and he left me"

It was the first time Stephanie admitted this to anyone who wasn't the man himself, in their candid affair everything was all shared secrets between the two of them.

But that wasn't all, they shared more than secrets… they shared their love, their dreams… they shared a bond that was forever going to link them together… or so she thought.

"Stephanie, I don't know what to say, I didn't know"

Of course she didn't… no one did. To everyone around they were nothing more than colleagues, each happily married to their respective partners. No one knew about their love, or about the way they always tried to extend the brief moments they managed to steal from life.

No one knew about how they were each other's escape.

Stephanie sniffed and disentangled herself from her sister in law's arms.

"You don't know how it feels to know… that I never had the chance to say goodbye… I just… I just wish I had and it hurts that I didn't"

Her tears started to flow anew as she remembered the last time she saw him, the last time they had been together. They had met in one of the clandestine hotel rooms that were the only witness to their undying love.

They spent the entire night together, a night she would forever hold close to her heart. He had been his regular self, playful, passionate; he had been hers for the last time…

"What am I going to do now Marissa? What am I going to do without him?"

That was a question she had been asking herself a lot. The truth was that she didn't know, she was nothing without him.

"Look at me Steph" Marissa took Stephanie's face in her hand, wiping with her fingers the never ending tears that kept flowing out of her eyes. "You are a strong woman, and you'll get over this…"

"No…" How was she ever getting over this? Over him? How could she keep going on knowing that he was never to hear his voice again?

If she had known what was going to happen, she would have hold him close to her and never let him go, maybe if she had done that she wouldn't have to wait for those moment between being awake and asleep to feel him…

How she wished she could turn back time, if she could she would turn back to that last night, to hold him tighter, to kiss him deeper… to hold on in that moment forever.

"Yes you will… look, I wish I had the words to make all your pain go away, but I don't… no one has them and if they did I would rip them out of their tongues to say them to you… It really breaks my heart to see you like this"

"He was going to leave her…" Stephanie said absentmindedly. "He had already filed for divorce…" but now their plans of living a life together was never going to get fulfilled, they flew with the wind like sand. Destiny had robbed them of their happiness, life had cheated on them.

"You can still say your goodbyes, the service is tomorrow; Shane and I are going… you should come with us"

Stephanie shook her head frantically; she was not going to the service. There was no way she was going to see his lifeless body in a coffin; she knew she couldn't take the sight of him there.

How could she? To see the hands that were never going to touch her, the lips that would never going to smile at her, that were never going to kiss her… she couldn't do it, she wasn't going to.

"I can't" She admitted in a sob.

In her mind she didn't have any right to be there either, his wife was going to be there! She had no place there, even when he had been in through the process of divorcing at the moment of his death, she was just the other woman… the one that broke his family apart…

"I can't…" She buried her face in her hands, her body rocking with the force of her sobs. "I can't"

"It's ok" Marissa said taking her again into her arms. "Shhh"

She cried for a while, she had never felt so powerless in all her life; never had she felt so much pain in her, it was a pain that wouldn't go away, it will forever live in her heart.

"He wasn't supposed to die… we were going to be so happy, and now he left"

Everything had been running its curse, everything was running the way it was supposed to be… she was in the process of a divorce, he had filed for his as well… all was fine, until he was robbed early of his life… at the hands of a drunk driver.

She hoped the bastard would root in hell; she would kill him with her bare hand if she had the strength to do it.

"You have to think of your daughter Steph… you need to be healthy for her, so when she decides to come into this world she would have a great mom that would take care of her"

Stephanie pulled away, her hand automatically resting on her growing belly. She nodded, almost in shock… so not only she was a broken woman, but now she was a bad mother too… and her baby wasn't even born yet!

The truth was that her unborn child had been the last of her concerns for the last couple of days. She hadn't eaten well, she hadn't rested well… she hadn't done anything _well_ since she had received the call three days ago, the call that changed her life forever.

"I'm sorry"

"There's no need to be sorry… you have been through a lot, and here all alone… you should have called me, you used to tell me everything, remember?"

Stephanie blinked her tears away but didn't say anything, her hand still caressing her belly.

"You know, I really think you should come to the service with us"

Stephanie shook her head again in denial. She was determined not to go, she didn't want the last image of him be the one of him laying inside a casket. She wanted to remember him laughing, his eyes sparkling; she wanted to guard the memory of him as he had been in life… when he had been hers behind closed doors.

"Maybe after all this commotion passes away… I might go and bring him flowers of something… I just don't think I can go there without breaking apart…"

She gasped, feeling the baby kick in. She looked down at her belly, smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. "Hey little princess… you like that idea, bring daddy some flowers uh?"

Yes, she was going to do that… she was going to wait after her daughter was born and then she was going to take her to his grave…

But not now, she needed to let him go first… she needed to accept that he was not going to be there anymore; and then, when she could learn how to live with his absence she could go and say her goodbyes.

In the meanwhile, she was going to wait for those moments where he would come to her right before she drifted to sleep…

~*Fin*~


End file.
